Okay this one is going to be very short and straight to the point, read attentively.
So I planned to stay indoor today, the harmattan is virtually confused, today there is heat, tomorrow there is cold; Nigerians are already complaining as expected. When it’s raining, we are looking for sun, sun will come we would switch gear to harmattan, harmattan will answer the call and we are looking for heat, endless circle🤦♂
So I just decided to go and buy bread and hot tea, I made sure I put on five sweaters and four trousers, the harmattan should know I am mount Zion that can never be moved. Jejely I began my journey when I saw Bode lost in thoughts. I quietly decided to pass by without saying a word to the dude, I was going to mind my business but Bode would not let me pass in peace.
“Guy, you see me like this you could not even ask what the problem is”
Two things can make Bode think, food and women! Women!!
“Bode have you eaten?”
I was about to ask the next obvious question when the nigga jumped into it.
“I’m in love, I swear I am in love”
Oh dear Lord, not again, I rolled my eyes over and over again till Bode began to swear.
” I swear I have not slept for 3days, I have been thinking about her!”
Bode forgot he slept in my house for the past two days and he was fighting Jackie Chan on my bed!
“So the kungfu you were fighting on my bed for the past two days is what?”
Bode realized I caught him but as we all know him, he never accepts defeat. Bode can be sweating while he defends his lie even before the devil himself.
“No bruh, I was thinking”
Bode was snoring so hard, I remembered I pinched is mouth countless times, I was even considering sealing it with super glue.
“Bode you were even snoring”
“No bruh, I was thinking aloud”
I gave up, Bode is an unrepentant liar, he lies for a living.
” Guy, I have to see her today, else I might die”
Bode has been claiming he would die over a woman for years now but he has not really died🤷♂
“Please, just escort me, her house is not very far from here”
Red alert! Red alert!!
“Bode I go nowhere, no be me and you!”
Bode pleaded his eyes out but mehn, I know this guy, I cannot come and kill myself in this harmattan period.
“Okay where are you going?”
He asked me
“To buy bread, I wanna drink tea”
Bode just made me halt and returned with my favourite sardine bread and hot tea👀👀👀
Okay I just collected it anyway, I have been bribed again.
“Bode if you get me in trouble I will kill you”
I warned bode after the bread is safely in my stomach.
I wondered why he wanted me to tag along self, abi he needs a babysitter now?
So we started our journey and I noticed bode was switching his movement to the most notorious house in that street. The man of that house is a retired soldier that fought in the world war, community war, street and compound war; the man is a warlord!
So I pretended like I didn’t know what was going on, I quietly walked past the house and kept going until Bode called
“Where are you going na, this is the house”
I paused and went back to check Bode’s body temperature.
“Bode you are burning up”
I scientifically noticed.
“Bruh I am perfectly fine”
No Bode, No way, Bode cannot be fine, Bode is running mad, Bode wants to die. Bode cannot read the bold inscription on the gate?
“BEWARE OF MARLIAN DOGS!”
“Bode if you want to die, I beg of you, die alone”
” Relax bruh, She told me her father is not in the country and that the dogs are always locked in their cage till night time”
I was still reluctant, Bode cannot be trusted
“Oya give me my sardine bread”
Bode is now a blackmailer.
After praying hard within me, I agreed and followed Bode in.
Surprisingly the gate was not locked.
Bode entered and started shouting
Before I could even retouch his senses to reboot, the gate has been locked behind us by the gate man.
Before you know one old man with faded muscles marched out with his tight face like screw driver!
And he was not alone, the marlian dogs that accompanied him were not dogs, they were lions! Tigers! Leopards! Higher killers! Assassin’s! Big and mighty, eyes red like hot coals, their teeths is too mighty and fiercesome that it can’t even fit into the big mouth.🙆♂🙆♂🙆♂
Bode peed on his trousers voluntarily.
We ran to the gate but heavens gate has been shut, it was judgment time.
The dogs were already doing pre-barking, they were just warming up and the bass of their tone is vibrating the gate!
“Which of you came here to see my daughter?”
Oh we realised madam Fatima is already on her knees with her two hands up to heaven.
Okay something happened, I was already pointing at Bode as the architect of the whole plan when I surprisingly realised Bode was pointing at me too, Bode was pointing at me! What? What!😱😱😱
My hands came to the rescue, I gathered all my strength together and landed one thunderous slap on his head! A slap that shook the foundation of the gate!😡
Immediately after the slap I began to feel hungry again, the slap took all the food. Bode began to confess immediately.
Bode was preaching on how love is blind, how love blinded him, how he didn’t even know how he got there, how love blinded his eyes!
Bode was just building his casket cos those MARLIAN DOGS looked so hungry, no doubt they prefer human meat.
Glory be to God I was excused since it was Bode preaching love story. I took off, 🏃💨
Wait so this is how Bode planned to end my Xmas Jolly Jolly.
And Oh, did I say this story is going to be short? I didn’t notice I am still typing self, cos presently, I am still dashing through the streets like THE FLASH!
This isn’t about minding my business, this is about running for my life!🏃🏃🏃💨💨💨