So me and my guys, we are on our way to become the upcoming African Batista, undertaker, John Cena, the rock and any other Bros that have muscle.
Our neighbor just bought some gym tools, Ah! we are going there to show them that we have arrived.
“Me wey I don dey gym since I dey 6 years old”
One of my niggas threw a big fat lie that almost blinded our eyes.
‘Ah, I just lost my hearing ability, Bode has scattered my eardrum’
It seems the lie affected my other nigga too, me I was still trying to use water to wash the peppery lies from my eyes.
This Bode of a guy will not kill us. That’s how the other day he told us he did 300 press up exercise.
And he is always seriously sweating anytime he blows the lie, is it a lifetime Job?
So we get to the gym and I begin to ponder, is this not a suicide mission?
The way the big men with muscles are shooting their eyes like an oppressed cricket, and the way their neck is Jam-packed with veins that look like Lagos traffic Jam.
Even the way they are shouting,
‘ah, hmm, yay!’
Are you sure my guys didn’t bring me here to assassinate me, hmm🤔 this road to become like John Cena is becoming crooked, hectic bush is now covering the smooth path.
While I am still receiving guidance in my 24th ear, Emeka, my neighbor just ran to us like a hunted rabbit!
How did this guy find me, do I have Wi-Fi hotspot in my legs that he is connected to?
“Guys, Guys! I have found it! Free money bro! Free money!”
It’s the same guy that almost got me in hot soup at the eatery the other day, so I just ignore him and focused on the Goliath before me, what do I do? Am I the David to slay this Goliath or I should go and Whatsapp bros David to come and do his thing? 🤷♂
“Wetin be that”
One of the hefty bros they call ‘the bulldozer’ called my neighbor. Ah, this guys one hand can serve as an umbrella to the Governor! He even has 54 packs! I believe if anyone wants to commit suicide, one slap from the bros is a direct ticket without charges. And I also know my neighbor to have suicidal ideas; so which of them do I warn to mind his business.
Wait, don’t answer that for me, the answer is NO ONE! I am minding my business😁
“This is legit business bros, pay 20k and get 40k in 30minutes! Bros I don do am they even pay me”
Boom! One big bell rang in my ear, it was the 34th ear this time, I remember how this guy told me he actually ate pounded yam for 500naira in that eatery.
I wanted to say something but as you all know, I just minded my business instead.
“Bros if they no pay you eh, you fit do me anything! See my alert na”
Ah, my guys just switched to the new package immediately when they saw alert proof.
Me I am now thinking whether I should try it…is not that I need money, it’s just that we need money in this country😁
“Oya make I do the 20k”
The bros finally agreed, them my guys brought their own, 5k, 10k one that we call ‘groundnut oil money’ just offered 50k! Just like that! 50k that is somebody’s salary!
Anyway me too I want to do the business so I now insert my hand into my pocket, used my hand discovery Technic and brought out my hard-earned 500naira.
But I still wait waited, let the rest get their alert.
Oya everybody has sent their money. We are now waiting for alert. 30 minutes later, alert has not come, we have stopped all the press up, pull up, side up, chin up, stomach up and all the up exercise for over 30minutes but everybody is sweating profusely, serious sweat.
Some started walking up and down, to and fro.
Emeka is shaking like one premature rabbit they lock inside fridge!
Different sighes from different angle.
Everybody is doing Hmm, hmm, eh, hmmm
what could be causing this unusual confusion?🤔
Their sweat is now thick like soured akamu (pap)!
So I am encouraging them with this popular adage
“The patient Dog eats the fattest bone” who knows, maybe the sender is cooking something big for the receivers.🤣
While I am talking my precious 500naira is returning to its default abode in my pocket.
Groundnut oil money is already crying quietly, later he is saying it is his father’s money he used o.
Ah! a whole groundnut oil nigga?
So we begin to tell him RIP because we know his father fought in the world war part 1-5, the man is an experienced killer.
2 hours later, alert still dey Lekki traffic Jam
3hours later tears everywhere, confession from everywhere
“5k wey I use 1-week thief from my papa na e wan go so?”
My niggas are confessing, big boys are crying.
Emeka wants to go and ease himself but oga bulldozer has better plans for him. It’s a Goliath and David session, but in the book of ‘Yanga go find trouble chapter 6:9’ Goliath will send Bros Emeka on a premature Journey to the other side.
So which of my guys do I console?
Ah, no one o, their present predicament is contagious!
So I dust my slippers, made a bow, ran a quick check-up to see if my 500naira is still intact and disappeared, I don’t want my 500naira to get stuck in traffic.
What do I know? I am just minding my business🤷♂
- Abel Martin