So today is different, today I can’t help but cry bitterly, painfully, in fact, I think I am done with Nigeria! I am done! I know you are gonna ask what happened because you want to do amebo, anyway I’ll tell you😭
So today I decided enough is enough, I am going to enter a cab and be comfortable for once, all these Benin folks would want to compress you like bag of rice for how much self!
Today I must sit like a senator’s son.
Emm don’t think I planned to pay for two seats, ‘Olorun ma Je’ God forbid; Listen I have my plan.
You see there is this comfortable window side of every cab, no matter how tight the cab is, there is always that safe hiding place by the window side😁.
Now the plan was to ensure I get an empty cab to enter.
So after work, I stood by the road with my dark shades, whistling and forming commando for every cab that stopped to pick me.
“Ahn Ahn, Guy wetin you still dey do for here? You no go enter cab?”
It was my colleague o, a colleague that won’t mind his business.
I just hissed and warned him to mind his business since I am minding mine.
Not just him oh, three of my colleagues met me with the same question, I never knew it was a rescue in disguise😭
Well, I was stubborn, what is their business anyway?
Finally! I saw an empty cab! Quickly I moved like the flash and whisked into the taxi even before the taxi driver made a call, he should know I am possessing my possession.
So its all cool, one person has joined in front sit, still so cool; no traffic jam at all, except the driver is now driving like African James Bond 007, overtaking from the left and right! Whisking through big lorries like Ghost Rider!
“Ah Oga, you wan kill us! Abi dey send you come, listen I be army man o”
The guy in the front seat just coordinated the driver with ease when he showcased his army cap.
I didn’t say anything, you know I always mind my business.
So the worst happened, oga driver stopped and carry three people at once! We are four in the back seat, one car o!
Okay, that’s not my issue, remember my plan to stay comfortable even if the nigga carries 6 at once.
My issue now is the fat woman that sat beside me. She was virtually sent to assassinate me.
One, she was sweating like a Christmas goat!
Two, she compressed me like she is squeezing Juice out of an orange!
Three, she had a massive, chronic and formidable body odour.
‘Ah egbami, I am finished’
This body odour is a weapon of destruction, and the fact that it is now condensed into liquid as her sweat, which is now dripping and soaking my cloth made me realize that I might not make it to my house, this thing can kill me!
My eyes are already red, my nose is trying to divorce my face and run for its life.
How can I even tell the driver to speed up now that soldier man is sitting in front like a planted robot! Was this staged? It was! Yes, it was, someone is planning to kill me, who did I offend oh dear Lord.
I began to kabash and pray for my safety, dear Lord give me one more chance.
Just when I was thinking it would soon be over, one traffic Jam came from nowhere!
One yeye Dangote trailer just decides to lose its technical sense on the main road! Can you believe this? On the main road, you cannot go and spoil inside street abi, of all the time in the world, you choose now to come and cause traffic Jam!
“Madam, abeg adjust small”
That’s all I said oh, thinking it would help my dilemma, but then, the moment she turned and opened her mouth I knew it was over. The army with the name ‘mouth odour’ marched out of her mouth and initiated an attack. I saw it coming, this is it, what is my defense? Clearly nothing, with the last common sense I had I alighted the cab immediately and precipitously thank the driver for endorsing the plans to assassinate me. With my legs on my head, I took off.
I have decided to pack a few things tomorrow and move to Italy without Visa.
I know what you are going to say, You better keep this a secret and mind your business🤐😭