I genuinely believe that texting is the worst thing that’s ever happened to the dating world. It is an inevitable thing that we all have to endure in order to charm someone. I hate texting. A panel of judges scoring me on how I’m doing in a real date and feeding me with live scoring would be less pressure than texting. Whoever started the trend of text messages in dating should be punished by being forced to wait forever for the world to text them back. Here are my reasons why texting is pure evil in the dating world.
1. Words only convey 10% of human communication.
Yes, before you ask, I did steal that from the movie Hitch . 90% of human interaction is non-verbal. Texting basically negates all 90% and assumes that the 10% of pseudo-English we’re all responsible for inventing is enough to convey our message. It’s not. How many times have you experienced a complete miscommunication over a text message with a friend? With an understanding friend, you can explain what you really meant afterwards. But with someone whom you’ve dated? There’s no going back once you hit “send.”
2. There’s the agony of waiting to be texted back.
This is the worst part about texting. Waiting for someone to text you back is like waiting for your STD test results to come back. Five minutes feel like a week. Thirty minutes feel like a year. An hour and you might as well just give up and go masturbate. I guess it’s slightly more bearable if you’re doing stuff around the house or out with friends. My personal favorite is watching paint dry before you check your phone. Wait, you hear that beautiful text tone. Fuck! No, I don’t want a free trip to the Bahamas!
3. The indecisive moments when you’re not sure if it’s too soon to text back.
You finally get a text back and she said what you expected. You type in your witty/funny response and your thumb reaches for the “send” button. Wait, it’s been like 15 seconds. Better wait a few minutes or she’s just going to think you’re desperate. Now you’re reading the words you’ve just entered and wondering if she’s going to understand your joke—or worse, if she’s going to get offended and never text you back again! Must edit! Now an hour has past, she’s thinking you’re not into her, and you’ve edited your text into incoherent gibberish. Sad, isn’t it?
4. We have an infinite amount of time to think about what we’re about to say.
Unlike a real conversation, we have as much time as we’d like to say something over text. Instead of saying what we really mean, we construct some facade that we think the other person is going to like. We backspace obsessively to edit our message into what we think is perfect. That doesn’t happen in a face-to-face conversation. We either say it or we don’t. They either like it or they don’t. With text messaging, everything is spoken based on what we think the other person wants to hear. How are we supposed to build a real connection based on that?
5. Reading back text logs.
This is another favorite activity of mine while I’m waiting for someone to text me back—obsessively scrolling up the text history and reading past conversations. Damn, I shouldn’t have said this! Oh shit, I should’ve said that! Guess what? It’s already been said. There’s nothing you can do about it. This wouldn’t be a problem if the conversation was face-to-face or over the phone. Unless you said something really fucked-up, it’s not significant enough for you to remember and contemplate. And there’s no recording for you to reflect on. Or maybe we do. I’m looking at you, NSA!
6. Read receipts.
As if waiting for someone to text us back is not a form of torture in itself, the sadists at Apple and Blackberry decide to give us the wonderful gift of read receipts. Never do you think of a reasonable explanation for why he’s not texting you back within 30 seconds. The worst is when it’s one of my turns to text back; I feel obligated to do it within a ridiculously short time frame to avoid any anxiety on her part.
Do I even need to elaborate on this? I’ve developed a coping mechanism for this situation. If the dots flash more than a minute, I drop the phone in whatever drink is nearby. If the dots disappear after briefly flashing, the phone is going to impact the hardwood floor violently.
Duck is fuck. Fuck is duck. I like anal. Orgies are fun. DUCK YOU, iPHONE!
Am I supposed to be more convinced that you are happy because you added a smiley? What the hell is a colon plus a “P” supposed to mean? Wow, I’m so impressed that the heart you just sent me actually has a pumping animation. Sarcasm aside, fuck emoticons. They’re worse than greeting cards. If you want to smile at someone, smile. You don’t need a yellow blob to express it for you.
10. Texting is devoid of all real human contact.
There’s something magical about hearing the other person’s voice or gazing into their eyes. It makes anyone who doesn’t have a stone-cold heart feel tingly and fuzzy inside. Texting basically takes that and replaces it with anxiety and despair. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather feel those butterflies in my stomach again instead of wanting to puke them all out waiting for a text back. Instead of “Whatsup?,” call her and ask about her day. Instead of “I luv u 2!,” call him and let him hear your voice while you say it.